The Jane Austen Punishments List

collins

It’s the last day of the semester (except for exams) and I’m swamped by term papers from my three courses. As a break from writing my own post on Jane Austen, therefore, I share with you a very funny item that I picked up from the Jane Austen Information Page. In addition to more serious items, the website has a “Jane Austen Jokes Page.” This includes the “Jane Austen Punishments List” (see below), “Jane Austen answering machine messages,” a Dr. Seuss version of Persuasion (as told by Sam-I-Am), and a Star Wars version of Pride and Prejudice. All in good fun.

If you know the novels alluded to, you’ll find the Punishments List extremely witty and very much in the spirit of Austen. I’ve noted the works in parentheses. Luckily, many of punishments apply to characters from Pride and Prejudice, which almost everyone knows.

–An evening at a recital given by Mary Bennet. (P&P)

–A tour of Rosings with Mr. Collins – OR – (updated)
Watching an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous guest-hosted by Mr. Collins. (P&P)

–Relationship advice from Lady Russell. (Persuasion)

–A visit to a library with Miss Bates. (Emma)

–An audience with the Queen accompanied by Mrs. Bennet (P&P)

–A night of babysitting Lady Middleton’s children. (S&S)

–Sir Walter Elliot standing in for your father at a father/son wilderness survival camp. (Persuasion)

–One day of nursing Mary Musgrove through one of her illnesses. (Persuasion)

–The friendship of Lucy Steele. (S&S)

–An evening of backgammon with Mr. Woodhouse (and don’t expect sweetbread and asparagus when the refreshments arrive). (Emma)

–A girls’ clothes-shopping expedition and makeover with Caroline Bingley. (P&P)

–Having Lydia Bennet over for a two weeks’ holiday. (P&P)

–A conversation with Mrs. Elton about Maple Grove. (Emma)

–A carriage ride with John Thorpe.
– OR – (updated)
Buying a used car from John Thorpe. (Joshua Silverman writes:) “This was suggested by a query whether it was possible to imagine any Austen character as a used car salesman. Not only does John Thorpe fit the bill, but his boasts to Catherine about the smoothness of the ride, the great mileage he gets from his horse, and his prowess in wheeling and dealing, leave me astonished at Austen’s prescience.” (NA)

–Matchmaking by Caroline Bingley. (P&P)

–A weekend in Reno or Las Vegas with Mr. Wickham. (P&P)

–Aunt Norris moves in next door and becomes an Amway distributor. (MP)

–A moral discussion with Mary Bennet and Mr. Collins. (P&P)

–A cross-country tour in the Barouche with the condescending Lady Catherine de Bourgh. (P&P)

–The ultimate: Being Charlotte Lucas when she performs her conjugal duties with Mr. Collins, especially when he moans “Catherine!” instead of “Charlotte!” at the crucial moment. (P&P)

The website suggests checking out the following description of Mr. Collins’s dancing abilities “to get an idea of what his lovemaking technique would be like.”  Elizabeth, of course, is his unhappy partner:

The two first dances, however, brought a return of distress; they were dances of mortification. Mr. Collins, awkward and solemn, apologising instead of attending, and often moving wrong without being aware of it, gave her all the shame and misery which a disagreeable partner for a couple of dances can give. The moment of her release from him was exstacy.

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