Comic Haikus Launch 2020 Election

Thursday

Jason Gilbert, a producer at Comedy Central, has written a series of superb haikus on the Democratic presidential candidates, twenty of whom are splitting last night and tonight for the season’s first debate. As often with political comedy, it’s funniest when someone else’s ox is getting gored. Nevertheless, we need to laugh at our own candidates to keep things real.

In fact, how politicians respond to targeted satire is a good litmus test. Barack Obama, whose own sense of comic timing was superb, could appreciate a good joke delivered at his expense. Donald Trump, not so much.

The piece was titled “Here is Every 2020 Democrat, Roasted by Haiku: Because there are too many candidates to use full sentences.” Some of the barbs are fairer than others, but the best use the succinctness of the form to go straight to the heart of the candidate. I’ll let you figure out which is which.

For the record, my own top-ranked candidates are Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and Pete Buttigieg. But because I like so many of the others, I may well remain “wait and see” up until the day of the Tennessee primary on March 3, 2020. The eventual nominee, whoever it is, will have my enthusiastic support against Trump.

Former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke
There’s an old saying:
“He cannot win who cannot
even beat Ted Cruz.”

Washington Governor Jay Inslee
All things are rising —
global heat, the sea — yet not
Inslee’s poll numbers.

New York Mayor Bill DeBlasio, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
Only New Yorker
running worse than Kirsten: the
mayor or C train?

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders
What does Bernie do
with all of these copycats
with way better hair?

California Senator Kamala Harris
Kamala Harris.
What’s new to say about her?
Don’t know. Still a cop?

South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg
Rust Belt Pete. Mayor.
Vet. Harvard grad with it all
except policies.

Former Vice-President Joe Biden
“Yes we can!” was years
ago, Mr. Biden. Please
do not massage us.

Congressmen Eric Swalwell (California) and Tim Ryan (Ohio) and Colorado Senator Mike Bennet
Eric Swalwell, Tim
Ryan, Mike Bennet. Look at
that! You made it, guys.

Maryland Congressman John Delaney and Montana Governor Steve Bullock
John Delaney, Steve
Bullock: Five bucks if you can
recognize either.

Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar
Amy’s a fighter.
She’ll fight Trump; she’ll slam Pence; hell,
she’ll crush her own staff.

Entrepreneur Andrew Yang
Andrew Yang: heard, uh,
about that universal
income plan. Venmo?

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren
Warren: a plan to
solve any problem, except
her DNA test.

Former Health and Human Services Secretary Julian Castro
Julián Castro
Such a nice man. A really
really, nice guy. Yeah.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper
John Hickenlooper’s
name will always qualify
for haikus. Thanks, John.

Self help guru (and vaccine skeptic) Marianne Williamson
Yes, vaccines are real.
But Marianne Williamson’s
chances — not so much.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker
Cory, are voters
ready for a president
from New Jersey, now?

Hawaii Senator Tulsi Gabbards
Tulsi’s Hawaiian
Which works well: “Aloha” means
hello, and goodbye.