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Wednesday
Unfortunately I saw too late this article in McSweeney on the Trump-Musk spat (with Trump as Sauron and Musk as Saruman) as it is now old news, the two having called a truce. As many predicted, the man who controls government contracts has the edge over the man who relies on them, and Musk has come slithering back, more like Wormtongue than Saruman. Nevertheless, the piece is still worth reading. Carlos Greaves really knows his Lord of the Rings, not to mention his Silmarillion.
I’m sure I don’t have to mention that Elon Musk once embraced Trump, pouring $250 million into his campaign. Saruman acknowledges,
Did I facilitate Sauron’s rise to power by donating most of Isengard’s resources to his reconquest campaign and persuading my legions of Uruk-hai followers to support him? Sure. And did I know that Sauron was a corrupted Maiar with an Eru complex and an unquenchable thirst for power? Of course.
Now, however, he points out that he was never “a big Sauron fan,” adding, “To tell you the truth, I always hated the guy.” What he claims changed his mind was the way Sauron was prepared to bankrupt Middle-earth with his “Big Beautiful Bill Battalion”:
But after seeing Sauron’s new “Big, Beautiful Battalion,” it became clear that he wasn’t actually interested in reform, and only cared about destroying Middle-earth and ruling over the ashes.
Saruman mentions Aragorn’s ancestor “slow-walking the destruction of the One Ring.” The reference here is either to Attorney General Merritt Garland, who waited far too long to indict Trump for his coup attempt, or Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, who could have supported Democratic efforts to prevent Trump from ever running for office again.
A note on Isildur: by failing to seize the ring rather than throw it into Mount Doom when he has the chance, the ancient king of Numenor serves as an illustration into how power corrupts. Even those fighting for the forces of good are susceptible.
If Saruman allies himself with the bad guys, it’s partially because he (like Musk) is obsessed with DEI. When Sauron appeared to be on the ropes, Saruman notes,
I had an important choice to make: Would I throw my support behind a feeble alliance of elves, men, dwarves, and hobbits? Or use my influence as the most powerful wizard to gain Sauron’s favor and help him rule over Middle-earth the right way? The choice was obvious. Elitist enclaves like Rivendell had become obsessed with all the wrong priorities, like putting a hobbit in charge of taking the Ring to Mordor when that’s clearly a job for a man.
Where Musk had the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), Saruman has ORC, but the results are the same. If you put young technocrats in charge of dismantling everything from USAID to Social Security, you shouldn’t be surprised by the results:
When I created the One Ring Coalition, or ORC—the powerful group of goblins, balrogs, and ringwraiths I assembled to help reshape the Great Lands—I did it with the best of intentions. I wanted Middle-earth to run with the ruthlessly efficiency that only the spawn of Morgoth can accomplish. I also hoped ORC would rein in all of Sauron’s worst impulses.
I love how Musk’s young hotshots, including the 19-year-old software engineer who referred to himself as “Big Balls,” are called “the spawn of Morgoth,” the evil race featured in the Silmarillion.
Greaves’s satire goes on to imply that Musk’s change of heart came from how protesters have been targeting Tesla dealerships, prompting Tesla’s board of directors to pressure him to withdraw from politics. Saruman, of course, denies he has yielded to such pressure:
The cynics will tell you that I am distancing myself from Sauron only now that radical Ents are destroying my Uruk–hai breeding grounds and hurting my bottom line. But while flooding Isengard “in protest” is annoying, it’s hardly the reason I’m dissolving our partnership.
The truth is, this is about doing what’s right. It has nothing to do with the rumors that the White Council is threatening to kick me out if I don’t cut ties with Sauron. Or that my supply stock is dwindling now that the riders of Rohan have laid siege to Orthanc.
And to think, Musk used to be a hero to Ent-supporting environmentalists concerned about climate change.
So does this mean that Musk will turn his back on reactionary politics? While some Democrats initially expressed that hope, Greaves knew it would never happen. His Saruman concludes,
As for those thinking that my falling out with Sauron means I’ll help the Council destroy the One Ring, think again.
This, in fact, is how things appear to have turned out, despite Saruman having mentioned Sauron’s “longstanding ties to Epstein Melkor and his dark deeds on the Island of Númenor.” (Musk now says that he “went too far.”) As a result, Saruman will continue to supply Mordor with Uruk-hai reinforcements. And be reimbursed in $auronCoin.
