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Tuesday – April Fools’ Day
Oliver Goldsmith’s “An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog,” with its wonderfully unexpected reversal, works as an April Fools’ joke. In the spirit of the day, I also share a group chat about what war plans would look like if Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth worked for Sauron.
I recalled Goldsmith’s poem, which is a satire on sanctimonious, holier-than-thou Christians, when I was reading stories of how Trump spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain is promising spiritual blessings for a mere $1000 donation. With contorted reasoning the televangelist is telling potential clients, “You’re not doing this to get something, but you’re doing it in honor to God, realizing what you can receive for your special Passover offering of $1,000 or more as the Holy Spirit leads you.”
And if you can’t afford $1000? Well, for $125 people can obtain an “Olive Wood communion set from the Holy Land,” including “unleavened bread and grape juice from the Holy Land.”
Meanwhile, Trumpist Christians, even while claiming to be born again and washed in the blood of the lamb, show few signs of following Jesus. I think especially of how many are reveling in Trumpism’s sadistic handling of immigrants. One could say, with Rappaccini’s daughter in the Hawthorne story, “Oh, was there not, from the first, more poison in thy nature than in mine?”
But that’s a heavy message to attach to this comic tour de force. So set aside politics for a moment and enjoy.
An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog
By Oliver GoldsmithGood people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wond’rous short,
It cannot hold you long.
In Isling town there was a man,
Of whom the world might say,
That still a godly race he ran,
Whene’er he went to pray.
A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.
And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound,
And curs of low degree.
This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.
Around from all the neighboring streets,
The wondering neighbors ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
To bite so good a man.
The wound it seemed both sore and sad,
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.
But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied,
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died.
And now for the group chat, which of course is a parody of the discussion carried out by the “Houthi PC Small Group.” The on-line conversation, which included such top government officials as the Vice President, the Secretary of State, and the Secretary of Defense, also inadvertently added the editor of The Atlantic. Jeffrey Goldberg, who originally thought the chat was a hoax, learned about planned air strikes on Yemen shortly before they were launched. And who knows what other foreign entities were listening in?
The parody was authored by r/NonCredibleDefense (MilesLongthe3rd) and appeared on Reddit:
Gondor assault small group
Witch King: My lord, shall I launch the attack on Gondor?
Sauron: As soon as possible!
Gothmog: THE AGE OF MEN IS OVER
Gandalf: Looks like I’d better light the beacons 🔥 🔥 🔥
Sauron: Is that fucking Gandalf in our Mordor chat? Who the fuck added a wizard? ANSWER ME!
To riff off of Mark Twain’s legendary remark, “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Trump’s Cabinet. But I repeat myself.”
